Old Habits Die Hard



It was supposed to be a fun birthday party, but Uncle Ed let it get out of hand. He was always horsing around with lighter fluid, and one thing led to another.




His secretary at work had made off with a plutonium cylinder that could end all life as we know it. That had him upset. That and the fact that they had been having an affair, and his wife was about to find out.




We were going to go to a wild animal park after the merry go-round, but the animals all became extremely shy when they heard we were coming. Apparently, our reputation preceded us.




Instead we got lost in nearby corn field, and it took thirty six hours to find the last of the children. The parents were furious with Uncle Ed, but he just laughed it off, like he did everything.




Ed eventually opened a vacuum cleaner repair shop outside of Huron, South Dakota. When that failed, he tried a cafe. A lot of people told him the building lacked character.  He just laughed and took out his lighter fluid.

You and What Army?


Yes, it’s a nightmare, but it’s my nightmare. It’s my childhood. The paucity of imagination that went into my surroundings. The braindead were in charge.


Television was no comfort.


No hanky panky could change the essential blandness


Only contact with nature might provide the needed spark


Certainly nothing man-made could provide any real inspiration


And this man would show up in your room asking you how you felt. “I Want to Die!” would not be something he wanted to hear.

Uncle Randolph



Uncle Randolph made his living as an Interior Decorator, but it was after work that he really let the world know what he was made of.




As a boy, he was largely ignored by his parents, and if it hadn’t been for Grandma Marge taking an interest in him, he would have suffered terribly.




For a while, he tried running a kiddie amusement park, but then had some sort of of trouble with the authorities that was never quite resolved.  Suffice it to say that’s been banned from being in unsupervised contact with children.




We had some foreign exchange students living with us when I was still at home, and Uncle Randolph got along with them very well. His delight in their company was totally reciprocated. The girl went on to be an important diplomat, and once invited Uncle Randoph to visit him at the United Nations building in New York City!




One day, Uncle Randolph simply disappeared. He didn’t show up for work, and all attempts to track him down came to naught.




We got a strange Christmas card from him last year, but it came with no forwarding address. Wherever he is, we hope he’s happy.