THE BAD NEWS

 

Slime mold going from plasmodium to sporulation

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Tests show that the fungus has invaded every part of your body, even crossing the blood/brain barrier. Frankly, we’re surprised you’re still lucid and ambulatory. Most people in your condition are already on life support.

Maybe your fungus is a more benign variety than the ones we’ve seen in the past. You also seem to lack to characteristic odor of bitter lemon that was so evident in the others who suffered from your condition. Fortunately, most of the time their period of suffering was brief. In one case, death followed diagnosis within hours!

But again, my goal is not to alarm you or make light of your plight. If there were a proven treatment, we would try it, no matter how slim the chances of success. But there is no such treatment. The fungus always wins. We can only urge you to get your affairs in order while you still have the strength to do so.

The fungus is intelligent. Do not fool yourself into thinking that you can outsmart it, for it has resisted all treatments and man-made remedies for eons. Like slime mold, it is more than a single organism. It is a community. There is a single slime mold in British Columbia that is almost one thousand square miles in size. We’re not sure about the scope of this fungus yet, but there are signs that it communicates with its own kind, planning and creating strategies that cannot easily be understood or countered. It is one cunning fungus.

Resistance is futile. Acceptance is the answer. If the fungus knocks, let it in. Its clammy embrace may ensure you a better future.

Away We Go!

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The comet Neowise that is currently swinging by the Earth has come to take me away to my rightful home. Do you remember all the people in that Heaven’s Gate California cult religion who took poison to fly away on the Hale-Bopp comet? They believed as I do that comets are important portents of change. But my belief system doesn’t involve wearing jogging pants and taking cyanide. I feel the forces that guide the comet know exactly who I am and what I’m capable of. Today I eagerly await further instruction.

They will tell me what I need to know when I need to know it, and not a moment before. As members of an advanced race, they might have a hard time imagining the full depths of our ignorance, so I won’t pester them with questions. My phone will ring when it rings. My hotmail address hasn’t changed in thirty years. I’m not hiding.

Sure, it’s been hard to know what to leave behind. I sold the big-ticket items, the car, the piano, the big-screen TV. The rest I gave away. Now my little house seems huge and empty. Why did I feel I needed so many things in my life? Will I need money where I’m going? Hard to tell. It’s in my bank account, but I made sure my neighbor Lois has an ATM card and knows the secret code to access my money. If all goes as planned, she’ll be pleasantly surprised by her windfall. If not, then I won’t be homeless.

I trust the comet. More than any other human being or institution, I trust that the comet has plans for me that I cannot even imagine. I feel about the comet the way Christians feel about Jesus. “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard…” In fact, Jesus may be on the comet even as I write this, gliding through space at warp speed, trailing comet dust and eagerly awaiting our rendezvous. Is he at the helm, or does a guardian angel acting as pilot? I guess I’ll find out soon enough.

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The Mom Who Looks Just Like Jennifer Aniston

And The Internet Can’t Get Over It

 

Just read this headline. What I love about it is the total transparency. It reminds me of the title of the movie “Snakes On A Plane”  You don’t have to see the movie, because you already know everything about it. You don’t have to read about the Mom Whom The Internet Can’t Get Over. Suffice it to say she looks just like Jennifer Aniston.

 

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THE RULES OF THIS PLACE

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There’s absolutely nothing to be afraid of here. This place is as safe as anywhere on the planet. You will be allowed maximum freedom, but you won’t be coddled. No one will take care of you, or make your path an easy one. To do so would be to insult you, depriving you of your dignity.

Here, you are free to change your mind, make mistakes, accomplish absolutely nothing for days at a time. You are free to reap just what you sow. If you are easily bored, you will be even more bored than usual. If you can entertain yourself, your time here will be well spent. A few small challenges will keep you busily occupied. Solving problems builds character.

There are others here who will be like you. If you are especially active, or popular, they will see you as a threat. They will strive to cut you down to size. Others will try to inspire pity in you, to entangle you in their chronic problems. If you are wise, you will avoid them. Do not give advice. Do not take anyone under your wing. You have no wings.

You’re simply an inmate like everyone else here. Accept that fact and your life will be easy. Fight to achieve distinction and your life will become a living hell.

Just Around The Corner

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I’m waiting for the phone call that will change my life. The one that comes from an entirely unexpected person, the one that will finally make most of my problems disappear. That one.

OK, it could be an email message, or arrive on Facebook messenger. It will be surprising and it will change everything. All the issues I’ve been mulling over, worrying and fretting about will suddenly be moot.

Can’t pretend to know when this will happen. I’ve already been waiting for years, so it might be a bit longer. Every morning I arise and think “maybe today is the day they’ll call!”

Will the caller be a man or a woman? Young or old? Hip or square? Will I recognize it as important and life-changing when it happens, or will I find it just another irritating invasion of my privacy?

THE PHONE JUST RANG! But I missed answering it before the ringing stopped. They left no message. Maybe they’ll call back. Or maybe it was a mistake. Living in a foreign country, it’s a common occurrence. I answer the phone in English and I hear someone mutter something in another language and then hang up.

There’s a strange scent in the air, it smells like burning wires. People riding bicycles pass by the front of our house. Often they are whistling as they ride, and the tune they whistle sounds menacing, at least to my ears.

At night I see red laser beams scan the neighborhood. Are these coming from assassin rifles? Sometimes I hear the squawk of a walkie-talkie coming from the bushes. Are these real, or simply a neighbor’s television show. My hearing is not so good anymore.

When the good news arrives I will finally be able to relax. The world will no longer seem as sinister. It’s just a matter of time. Just around the next corner.